What Kind of Man Must I Be
by ladylaina
Summary: Is Edward man enough to follow through with one of the biggest days of his life? In this one shot, Edward spends the day before contemplating whether or not he can handle the implications of his decision.


_**AN: As always, any references to Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer.**_

_**Originally, I had intended to make this story, a lengthier and more in-depth version, my first FanFiction entry but things never work out exactly as I've planned. So, I give you this one as a fast read, need to get it off my chest, version that leads Edward down memory lane as he faces one of the biggest days of his life. I hope you enjoy it.**_

_**I will warn you that Edward transitions between past and present. I tried to make them obvious yet smooth, so as to not create any confusion.**_

_**I'd love your feedback.**_

What Kind of Man Must I Be?

_I loved her._

_I will always love her._

_But…._

_This was…._

_Was too…._

_I just can't._

_I can't go through with it!_

Trees in brilliant shades of red, and orange, and yellow lined the familiar streets of our neighborhood. The day was calm, not even the slightest breath of wind to disturb the graciously dying leaves.

It was sad, really. That something so beautiful could be dying. I had to force those negative thoughts from my head. There were more important things to worry about then the natural change of seasons.

Winter wasn't too far away and no matter how much I longed for autumn to stay, for just a little while longer, it never would.

Our house was at the end of the street, in the cul-de-sac. There was nothing fancy about it, an ordinary house like every other house on our street.

The red brick warmed it against the cool, summer-blue sky, camouflaged it amid the awesome colors of fall, and added some Christmas to the everyday-white of winter.

No, it really wasn't fancy at all but it was our home.

Personally, I preferred the city life and high-rise condos. Bella wanted the All-American dream of white picket fences surrounding grassy yards, flower gardens, neighbors you would say hello to, and the sound of children's laughter as they played.

She got it.

All of it.

Nessie was our first. She'll be two next month.

_I have to do this. For her._

Bella and I were so different. I was the loud mouth marketing exec for a big firm in the city and she was the soft spoken kindergarten teacher in the public school system.

Only God knows why she picked me. Nobody else could figure it out.

Bella said she liked my boyish charms. What does that even mean? She'd never explain, just giggle and change the subject. Over time, I learned to stop asking.

It didn't matter why. She picked me and that's all I cared about it.

The garage door opened automatically as I pulled into the driveway, and I looked for Bella's car.

It wasn't there.

I knew it wouldn't be.

Old habits, I guess.

I flicked the switch for the garage door to close and it began its descent as I walked out. We were hoping to install an adjoining door from the garage, through the main floor laundry room, but hadn't gotten to it yet.

Five years.

Fate is a funny thing.

Five years ago, I was living with Tanya Denali. We'd been together for a long time.

Too long.

The relationship was tumultuous at its best.

I think we stayed together because it was comfortable. We were both up-and-comers in our separate careers. I was in marketing and she was a journalist. Neither of us had time to seek out new relationships. It was convenient.

My sister's kid was in her first school play. I didn't have time for that either but Tanya and I had gotten into a huge fight that night. It just so happened, one of my arguments was how she refused to participate in my family's functions.

Of course, Tanya pointed out that I didn't even participate in my family functions, case in point my niece's play.

Well, what could I do?

I got dressed and went.

I even picked up a bouquet of flowers at the market on the corner. If I was going to do it, I had to make it look intentional.

I walked into this huge gymnasium filled with eager parents. Blinding camera flashes made it difficult to search the crowd.

I leaned up against the wall, ready to resign myself to the fact that this truly was a bad idea when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Excuse me sir, we're almost ready to start. Have you found a seat?"

Truthfully, I was a little pissed about the whole situation. Pissed with Tanya, pissed I had to be at that school to watch some kids parade around a stage, and pissed that so many freakin dumbasses reproduced.

So I took my time responding to this person insisting I sit down. Who was she to tell me to find a seat?

When I finally turned my head, it was like something came over me and suddenly I was stupefied.

I blinked and stammered and scratched my head, "no…I…I…can't find my sister..." I raised the flowers that were still in my hand, "I have these…but…I…I can't find them."

Was I fucking Rain Man or something?

The woman standing before me was an absolute vision. Soft waves of chocolate brown hair, with hints of a lighter, golden shade, framed her flawless complexion. Smouldering eyes, in a complimentary shade of the same chocolate, bore deep into my soul.

There was something about her I couldn't describe but it captured my attention and rendered me helpless.

Hopeless.

She batted her long lashes as her eyes fell to the floor. I'm sure she was trying to divert my attention from the pretty pink blush rising in her cheeks.

My intense stare had embarrassed her. My next thoughts were completely inappropriate as she pulled in her bottom lip and held it between her teeth.

I should have looked away, apologized even, for making her uncomfortable but I couldn't help myself.

I saw incredible things in this woman.

I saw my future.

I knew in that babbling, awkward moment I would marry this woman someday.

Fortunately, for me, for her, Alice came to the rescue. "Hi Miss Swan. I see you've met my brother."

I'd never been more embarrassed. Atleast not until Alice imitated my shining moment for her husband, Jasper. Then repeated her little routine for my brother and his wife and, let's not forget my parents, the next day.

In any case, meeting Miss Swan, as that was all I knew of her until a few days later, changed my life.

I went home that night and packed my bags. Tanya apologized and begged me to stay but I couldn't do that to her.

I couldn't disrespect her by staying, by sleeping beside her in the bed we shared, with another woman in my head.

Before Miss Swan, I'd never even looked at another woman. I think that's how I knew it was right, that she was the one.

_I can do this. I will do this. For her._

The front door was unlocked. I cautiously pushed it open, "hello" I called out, as if a burglar was going to respond.

"Hello dear."

"Mom, what are you doing here?" I asked, surprised.

"Oh, Alice needed to come by to get…uhm…to get some…clothes…for Bella." She said, hesitantly.

"Where's your car?"

"Your father's coming by to pick me up. I just wanted to see how you were doing?"

"Well, I've got a lot of thinking to do before tomorrow." I replied.

"Everyone would understand. You know, if you decided…."

"I know mom."

Esme was a strong woman, a strong influence in my life. She cared very deeply for Bella but truth be known, she didn't think I was ready for this.

She was probably right. I wasn't sure myself, if I could go ahead with it.

A car horn beeped, "there's your father." Esme kissed my cheek on her way out.

I waved to my father from the front door and watched Esme get into the car. I stood there, in the doorway, until they drove out of sight.

With Esme gone, the house felt empty and I allowed my mind to wander once again as I eased back into the lazy boy recliner.

Everything about this house reminded me of her. Her thoughtful color schemes and décor were only part of it. It was our memories that made the greatest impact.

I closed my eyes and pictured our house warming party. Our families, our friends, all gathered to celebrate with us. Bella loved to entertain. That was the night I proposed.

"Excuse me! Can I get everyone's attention please?" I shouted over the crowd.

Bella was completely shocked when I got down on one knee. She had no idea.

Sure, we'd talked about it but always in future context.

After she said yes, I leapt to my feet and pulled her up into my arms, spinning, spinning, until I lost my balance. We landed right on this recliner.

Damn thing hasn't worked quite right since but we kept it, for the memory.

Later that night, when everyone had left, we made love right here on this old chair.

Her sweet lips brushed against mine, our hands, our slick bodies entangled. Then just before climax, the damn chair tipped backwards thrusting me deeper. Bella's chest fell onto me and… I still get aroused thinking about that night.

Amazing.

Let's just say that chair got cleaned a lot before Nessie came along.

_There was no backing out. I had to do this. No. Wait. I loved her so much how could I let her go?_

I wandered around the house trying to convince myself I'd made the right decision. Trying to conjure up enough courage, enough strength to be the man she thought I was, strong and honorable.

I climbed the stairs to the second floor. Nessie's room was the first I came to. Pretty little girl things in little girl colors made the room so cheerful and bright.

Was I that man?

I ran out on her once.

On them both, Bella and Nessie.

When we got pregnant it was the second happiest day of my life. First Bella and now a baby. I couldn't be happier though it was a far stretch from the life I'd imagined.

In more ways than one.

Before Bella, I had no intentions of having children but with her, I couldn't imagine my life without them. A perfect little compilation of me and the woman I loved more than anything.

In the second trimester, Bella developed preeclampsia. Even with treatment her symptoms worsened.

After the first seizure, I begged her to have an abortion.

The doctors didn't know how to help her.

I thought she was going to die.

The doctors told her the chances of delivering a healthy baby were slim, something to do with seizures and the fetus losing oxygen. It was all too much to absorb.

After the third seizure, I walked out. I told her I couldn't stand by and watch her kill herself, watch the baby kill her.

It was more of a threat, hoping I'd force her hand, but she didn't budge.

What would I do with a sick baby if I'd lost her?

What would I do if I lost her?

We were blessed with a baby girl, Nessie, a preemie, but otherwise healthy baby girl.

When Bella forgave me, I promised I would never run out on her again, no matter what. I promised.

_I am strong enough. This is my responsibility and I will do it. I have to._

It was surprising how fast time had passed. I sauntered down the hall to our bedroom. I should have went to bed hours ago but what was the point?

Sleep was not an option regardless of the early morning service. My jittery nerves and cold feet wouldn't allow it.

I was glad Nessie was with her grandparents, Bella's parents, tonight. I needed this time to work through things for myself.

Walking into my bedroom was no reprieve from bad thoughts or sleepless nights.

I remembered that day, that morning so clearly. I had taken the day off and planned on sleeping late. As late as Nessie would allow, of course.

Bella kissed me before she left and I drifted easily back to sleep.

The phone woke me at 8:30. A calm male voice told me there'd been an accident. Bella was in the hospital.

Instantly, I was frantic. I pulled Nessie from her slumber and rushed to the hospital, to Bella.

She was badly beaten and bruised. Her silky hair, matted with blood, clung to her face and head. Bandages, hoses, and other medical crap invaded the most of her petite frame and I stayed with her.

Sat with her, never left her side. I'd promised to never leave her again.

The other driver, in a drunken stupor, was killed instantly.

_No, no, no. I couldn't do this. She means everything to me but I can't do this for her. I can't risk going through something like that…again. It would be too hard._

At some point I did manage to nod off. Dreams of good times, laughing and loving, filled my mind, my heart, and I woke with a new sense of reason.

I had to do this for Bella, to prove I was the man she'd always believed I was.

I had to do this for Nessie, to be the father I wanted her to know.

I had to do this for me, to honor the woman I loved, to be the father Nessie needed, and to be a man I could face in the mirror every morning.

Standing in front of the altar with sweaty palms and shaking knees, brought back another memory. It was the only other time in my life, when I'd been this nervous.

On our wedding day…four years ago.

Today, familiar faces in the congregation, stared back at me. Jacob, an old friend of Bella's and Tanya were two that jumped out. I really hadn't expected either of them to show.

Nessie sat in the front row with Charlie and Renee. It was important for her to be with them today.

It took a minute for me to quietly clear my throat and then I began.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming here today." My voice started to shake.

My fingernails dug deep into my palms, "We're gathered here today not to mourn the loss of my wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. We're here to celebrate her life…."


End file.
